Burnout, burnout
Sorry the blogging stopped. I wanted to prove that blogging wasn’t a temporary lockdown boredom curing hobby. It’s just been one hell of a summer….Today’s topic is burnout. And burnt out I well and truly am!
Since May 23rd this year, I have spent 61 out of the last 108 nights outside London. This has included 2 trips to Germany, 1 to Iceland, 2 to Leeds, 1 to Liverpool and 4 to Manchester.
Each and every trip has been fantastic. Trips to the Cotswolds and Malta awaits. Okay so I love boarding planes to see people very dear to me and I also am so grateful to have friends all over not only this country, but around the world that I can visit and share amazing experiences with. I also understand that travelling is almost a necessity for me now, given that my partner lives abroad and many of my closest friends live in the north of the country.
I also want to make clear that I am well and truly aware that I am fortunate enough to have the means to travel. Many people do not and I have sought perspective before writing this. So please don’t take this as a ‘wannabe-influencer like first world problem moan’. I understand the perks of what I am able to do, but I do believe that others are in my position and speaking out may well benefit others.
The start of the summer was great. Birthday in Frankfurt (with my lovely second family), weddings of very close friends in Manchester, a week seeing glaciers and volcanoes in Iceland. I did have a sneaking suspicion that extended periods of travel may eventually catch up with me, but after a lockdown, I thought it would be foolish to complain about this. Then, towards September I started feeling exhausted. The heart palpitations came back. I was less enthusiastic about trips planned. I honestly became more and more inclined to stay at home in my safe space but the incessant pull of a social event had me back on a train quicker than India’s first innings at Headingley. Which reminded me- one of those trips was to Leeds to watch said aforementioned innings……
Anyway back to the serious stuff. This summer, I really cared about making other people happy and content. If you would have asked me whether I would compromise my own mental and physical health to see them, I would have said yes. I mean, we just had a 5 month lockdown- there was a lot of catching up to do. Society has taught us to prioritise in efficient ways, but what it hasn’t taught us is to prioritise ourselves.
I was walking down the Kent Coast (another trip) and noticed my heart pound. Then came the adrenaline from the feet upwards and then the breathlessness. All in the most serene of surroundings. I always imagined panic attacks manifesting themselves in crowded areas- maybe on the tube. Maybe when watching India collapse to 78 all out in a crowded stadium. But no, there we were with not a soul around us, and it hit me. I thought nothing of it- maybe it was just work related. Maybe it was a fleeting thought of another lockdown. It could have been anything.
Then it happened again. When I was home alone after a 12 hour day at work. And again- after a walk in Liverpool (and to my friends from Manchester- this was not because I was in Liverpool, nice try…). It was happening on a weekly basis. This week was quite possibly these symptoms at it’s worst. I was struggling to stand up without some sort of symptom- be it sweaty hands, racing heart or adrenaline rushes. I was visiting my Mum and it was to a point where my mum had to sit next to my bed as I was too anxious to go to sleep. Then she came up with a very valid point-
“How can you be relaxed when you’re never at home?”
It was a really good point. Then we worked out that I wasn’t at my own place for around 60% of the summer. Now if you’re reading this and may find it insulting and think that I regret meeting you- this isn’t further from the truth. Sports people get burnt out from playing sports- something which I imagine they also love doing. I love travelling and seeing my loved ones but clearly the constant back and forth had contributed to this heightened state of panic. Burnout does not occur by doing things you dislike- but rather by doing things for too long/often. Once I realised this, it wasn’t as if all my problems dissipated- I was just more aware of the issue. So what did I learn from this?
It’s okay to say no. Always.
So many people nowadays seek instant gratification. Whether it’s a chocolate bar, a swipe right on tinder, likes on Instagram. It’s all around us. It’s deriving our own pleasure by pleasing other people. I’ve learned that the irony behind this is that it limits your own pleasure. As I left Manchester today- a city where many people whom I love to bits live, I actually nearly cried out of happiness. I don’t resent the city or it’s people. I was just genuinely relived that I don’t have to come back for a while as the journeys had contributed to this burnout. Do I regret a single trip I made this summer? No. Will I consider my own well-being before making more trips like these? Yes!